Watch Your Language

Hey! Where the fuck have I been??

Oh… Doesn’t my title say “watch your language?”

Well, that’s not quite what I mean, though, it can’t hurt to clean it up a smidge.

So how have you all been? Me? I’m fairly decent and on the cusp of insanely awesome.

I’ve been doing a lot of inner work, and I’ve come to share some thoughts on that.

Wow… I really should have considered getting up from my yoga practice about 10 minutes ago and coming right in here to sit down and record all the brilliant ideas that I had regarding what I was going to say. Alas, I did not, so let’s just “alphabet soup” our way along and see what happens.

I have tried a great many things the past 15 years to recreate myself into … well … my self. My true self. The spirit within.

One thing I’ve found in the “wellness” community is that everyone wants you to subscribe to their way of learning, healing, and growing. Why? Because they will get money (probably lots of it) for whatever it is that they’re selling.

Look, I get it. Your “thing” may have helped you greatly, and you may want to share that with the whole entire universe, and we all have bills to pay. Another sad reality is that people don’t generally trust what they don’t have to pay for in some capacity or other. Generally, though, the end result of all that is that a lot of people may be helped, but the reality is that they may only be helped for a little while. The problem starts all over again, and what do the modality sellers do? They start with the infernal babble:

“you aren’t doing it enough.”

“you aren’t doing it correctly.”

“here… buy more sessions, buy this other book, come to this ridiculously expensive weekend event

And thost things may all help again. For a while. Until it doesn’t and you’re left again feeling like a failure because we are all comparing our real-life experiences to the highlight reels portrayed in infomercials, advertisements and, let’s be honest, social media.

A couple things about all this:

  1. Self improvement, growth, wisdom, and change are very much like a 12 step program. My alcoholic ex taught me all about AA and how important it is to “work your program.” What does this mean? It means that, once you see the need to change, once you accept that this has to happen, you show up each and every day, and you follow through. Once we initiate, we no longer have the luxury of saying “I don’t feel like it.” We get up, we go, and we do. 100% of the time, we fail because we falter.
  2. One modality of change may work to jump start you. It may not work for you every day for the rest of your entire life. Over the course of our lifetimes, we are many different kinds of beings, and, unless you’re dead (figuratively or literally), you rarely wake up the same person twice. What does this mean? You have to be open to learning and growing in more than one way. Don’t be afraid to revisit something you may have previously discarded as “bullshit.” When Oprah made Eckhart Tolle famous, I ran right out and bought a copy of “A New Earth.” I read the first couple of chapters and promptly threw it in a bookshelf and dismissed it as garbage. Years later, the aforementioned ex pulled it off my shelf and was reading it. I asked about it, and he told me that he learned about Eckhart a while back and loved his wisdom. We then had this conversation about becoming the observer of our thoughts. I tried it, and it made me incredibly uncomfortable, so I chucked it in the bucket again. Finally, after diving into Hermetic philosophy, I read something about ego that reminded me of the part of “A New Earth” that I did enjoy. Instead of running straight back to that book, I opted for “The Power of Now,” and it’s amazing the paradigm shift I experienced. Why? Because I was ready to hear it, and I was ready to accept the ways it applied to me.
  3. Focus on what words work for you. For example… I hate guided meditations where people tell me to “picture” something. I can never see the moonlit, primrose lined pathway they want me to walk along. I can never smell the lilacs they insist are present. I can, however, feel. I can feel that cool air on my face, or I can feel myself walking into that vast, warm ocean. Work with what resonates, and don’t beat yourself up for not being able to connect with what doesn’t resonate with you. You don’t have to be ashamed or feel like a loser because you’re not a visual person. You may be a sensory person. Maybe you are better with hearing. And since most of this paragraph has to do with meditating, let me just add… like most other things in life, meditation is a skill that must be practiced and built. No one out there has a mind-blowing, wonderful experience each and every time they sit down to meditate. If someone tells you they do, they are posturing.
  4. If you can only embrace one thing today, embrace this: your journey is your journey. Stop comparing yourself to the highlight reels.

At the end of the day, everything I have tried has helped me to get to the next stage. Now that I know there’s no one correct way to do this life thing, I am finally starting to believe that there is no stopping me. As long as I watch my lauguage (work with what resonates), and as long as I work my program.

stahp that…

Wow… I haven’t been here in a while. The “write” option looks kind of different. I’m not sure I enjoy it. How am I going to know where/when/how to do stuff? AND WHERE ARE MY OPTIONS TO ADD PICTURES???

Anyhow, I’ve been thinking a lot, here lately, about human nature. I’ve been thinking about this need we all seem to have to placate others, and we seem to want to do so with as little effort expended as possible. Me? I think we should be doing better.

Last weekend, my friend came over, and we drank a lovely magic mushroom tea. After all the intense “visions” phase passed, we sat in my living room, he, in my chair, I, on my couch, and we had the deepest conversations about life and humanity that I have ever had. We talked about personal accountability and how no one ever knows what that means on its most genuine level.

I feel that the act of placation does more harm than good. This need we have to band-aid the thoughts/feelings/experiences of others does nothing to help them serve their greater good. This whole “look at it another way” mentality is a real disservice to our communities as a whole. It really does nothing to contribute to the growth and evolution of the human spirit.

Our roles, as human beings, are to learn how to successfully navigate humanity, and if we’re constantly buying into the notion that we are heroic simply because we managed to shit in the toilet instead of on the floor, how are we growing? There has been indoor plumbing for years, and I think we need to set the bar a little higher.

Absolutely, the topic of mental health comes into play. I don’t like to ignore that fact because I struggle with depression myself, and I can’t even imagine having to deal with something worse than that. Life is a whole lot more complicated than the need for humanity to have a paradigm shift. It absolutely is. That’s why I believe in reincarnation. I absolutely do not believe that there is one soul that is not capable of “getting there,” wherever “there” may be. If you can’t/don’t get it this time around, maybe next time will go better for you.

I don’t say any of this from a throne of ultimate wisdom. I say it as one of you, no, I say it as one of us. I say it as someone who, some days, can barely get out of bed. Some days, I have to remind myself to remember to breathe. Some days, I can take on the world, too, though. Some days, I have the whole goddamn universe in my pocket. It’s important to remember that and not only talk about the things that bring you down.

So think about this for a while and get back to me. I’ll be back to talk more with you.


Daily Om Writing Course Lesson 7 discusses our connections with others. If you keep count, yes. I am deliberately going out of order because I’m not particularly inspired by any of the topics between this one and the one I last wrote about.

Connections with others… I can’t say, either, that I’m a big fan of the writing prompt questions, so I won’t focus on those either. Instead, I offer up this:

I’ve been watching a series on Gaia Television, lately, called Missing Links with Gregg Braden (henceforth referred to as “GB”). I’m on the third season, which is about the divine matrix. It’s infinitely interesting, to me, and it’s quite literally blowing my mind. Not that this is a bad thing, mind you.

Last night, I watched the episode about relationship mirrors. I’m not sure I can adequately explain the concept, but many things jumped out at me.

We’ve all heard that nonsense that “what we see in others is what we have in ourselves.” You know… you attract drama, liars, and betrayal because you, yourself, possess those characteristics.

I have to say, I am really glad that GB called this out for the bullshit that it is. Basically, this started as a “self help” movement prior to anyone actually understanding what the relationship mirrors actually are. I mean, how many of us would never dream of doing some of the things that have been done to us? How is it fair to say we draw this shit to ourselves? This crap is cyclic, and we attract it not because we are those things, but because we have not taken steps to break/heal/change the cycles that present themselves over and over.

While that part absolutely interested me, it still is not the part that snatched me up by my nostrils.

The episode went on to discuss how, in our relationships, we can lose or give away parts of ourselves when we go through strife with a lack of consciousness. We do it to avoid drama or just to make someone else happy.

At some point, GB talked about those people we’ve all met, at some point, and we’ve been magnetically and unexplainably attracted to them. I’m not talking about those people who are simply pleasing to the eye. There’s somthing about them, and it simply can’t be explained, so why bother trying to put it into words?

GB says you should interact with these people. Even if it’s just to say, “hello… how’s your day?”

What’s important is to go into this interaction while asking yourself the following question:

“What is it that I see in this person or that I sense in this person that I’ve given away or had taken away from me by another person?”

These people and this question helps us to reclaim lost parts of ourselves.

Bare minimum… you see in them something you used to like about yourself and you go about the work of reclaiming that quality or characteristic. Ultimate maximum… this person becomes a wonderful friend or more. Who knows? Do you have to know? Maybe, too, this person displays things that you really don’t like about yourself, your life, your circumstances, or the people around you. Somehow, your interactions with people like this end up being the catalyst for you growing and/or changing.

I guess this grabbed me the way it did because this has happened to me recently. I met this person, and there was no questioning the fact that I NEEDED to interact with them. I think the universe has gotten to the point where it realizes the need to be blatantly obvious with me. “hey, fuckhead, PAY ATTENTION. This MATTERS,” so it sends a dude who is 99.99999% of what grabs my attention walking on into the ladies room. “hey… how’s it going?” OK, Universe. Time for me to get to work. I get it.

What I have noticed from my interactions with this person is that I am becoming curious about the world and people again. I noticed myself looking within myself more because this person carried an air of being self-possessed and centered. I used to have those qualities. Where had I lost/let go of/or misplaced them? How do I heal that? Was it ever truly gone? Or do I just need to let it out of the closet again? Oh… there it is. Let’s make sure to not lock that shit away again. It’s pretty damn important to have those things. It all adds up to something called PEACE. love it. live it. BE it, Dissy.

I love that I started thinking this way prior to my watching this episode of GB’s series. I mean, I love it now. At first, when I was thinking this way, it felt kind of selfish. Like, here I am mooching personal growth off of another human being, but, you know what? I’d wager that the pull felt by me was also felt by my new friend. I’ll bet there’s something to learn from me as well. Any relationship, be it spiritual, friendly, romantic, work-related, or something else, anyhow… they should be mutually beneficial. You just have to look within yourself to see what another soul has to offer.

What’s Missing?

I’ve really dropped the ball on my writing course with the Daily Om writing prompts. Instead of bemoaning that, I choose to pick up the proverbial ball and try to do better.

Lesson 3 discusses what we feel is “missing” from our lives. One question, in particular, grabbed me.

“Is there something you had in the past that you wish you still have?”

The short answer, for me, is “no.”

It took me a very long time to be able to say “no” without bitterness, hurt, or anger being attached to the “no”. See… I’ve had many people for whom I’ve held great fondness and deep love, who are no longer a part of my life. I’ve had many cherished “things” in my life that I no longer possess. I’ve lived in places I absolutely loved, but those places were so special because of the circumstances that took me there and the active things that were done to make them wonderful.

My favorite place was my apartment in Highland Square, a neighborhood in Akron, Ohio. I loved that apartment. It was the first place I got entirely on my own, the first place where I was not cohabitating with a significant other, and the first place that was all mine. I was proud of that.

I loved the feeling of going out, doing the damn thing, and settling in all on my own (with the assistance of the world’s most amazing moving crew). I learned some very important life lessons there, I loved the group of friends I shared time with there, I loved my job, and I loved the social life I had. I felt open, present, and free. There was a great deal of amazing energy gathered there, and I walked away from it all for love.

I guess that kind of paints a negative picture… that I ditched all those things I loved so much for “love.” Being a pagan/witch, what was most important to me was the massive core of energy I had built there. All of that energy came from loving acts and the process of improving myself. When I left that apartment, I still had the friends I adored, the job I loved, and an active social life. Don’t read me wrong. I did not leave to go live in a cloister. I had wonderful times in the new places. This one is just special to me because of who I became as a result of having been there.

That was the very first time in my life that I realized how life, energy, and the universe works. The first time I truly got it.

I ended up moving out to the sticks with my ex. I was happy there for a long time. Until I wasn’t.

And now, here I am in Cleveland, Ohio. I really don’t enjoy where I live. I hate the neighborhood and the general lack of regard that people have for others up here.

That being said… I can’t bring myself to say that I’m “unhappy” here.

There’s a difference between being dissatisfied with one’s surroundings and being “unhappy.”

It is in all the transitions I’ve made during the course of my life that I learned about “destination happiness,” or the notion that a “different” person, place, or circumstance is going to “make” you happy. That simply isn’t the case. To quote the old lady in that commercial, “that’s not how any of this works.”

I struggle. Sometimes, I still cry, but those tears are over grief for what I thought I had and not because I want it back. Tears cleanse the soul, if you allow them to. When that cleansing happens, you find gratitude for the lessons that the universe brings. I also believe 200% that the universe will never bring you unhealthy lessons. You must, however, actively participate in your healing. Even when that activity is sitting down for a day, a month, a year to just wallow, catch your breath, and start over. The lessons?

Love yourself.

I was going to make a list of things, but I feel like they all route back to that simple statement of loving yourself. I am, however, talking about the kind of love that is not bred of ego. It’s important to make that distinction.

So, back to the original question… “Is there something you had in the past that you wish you still have?

If I still had those things, I wouldn’t be here. “here” in the figurative sense. And, guess what? I am finally starting to realize how much I like me.

Love? That’s easy. It’s the liking that is the challenge.

Cent’anni, folks.

Happy Holidays

A most joyous Yuletide/Solstice to one and all. Today marks the turning of the wheel where the days slowly begin to grow longer and the sun’s light grows stronger. May we grow along with it and reach our fullest potential.

May the magic of the season touch your spirit and let you soar to the heights of joy, love, and abundance.

Worth a Mention

When I started this blog last week, my thoughts/goals/plans/hopes were crystal clear and the words flowed without restraint. Today? Yesterday? The day before? It’s all shrouded in pea soup fog.

Guess what, though? I talked about not painting my bedroom in my last post. On my days off this week, I managed to get the tiniest little bit done. My brother-from-another-mother came over and helped me. We painted a coat of primer on the ceiling and woodwork. Oh MAN was that smell ever STRONG. I’m pretty sure we were buzzed from it, too. It’s nice to have it started, though. Hopefully, I can keep the momentum going.

I have this nook type area off my kitchen. At first, I planned on putting a washer and dryer in that area, but when we (my contractor/friend and I) got the rest of the kitchen in order, I started thinking that made the room super busy, and I’m not really so old that I can’t go ahead and get used to the creepy basement for laundry.

The question then became, “so then, what should I do with the nook?”

I thought I’d put a couple of chairs and a small table in there and use it as a tea spot. Then I saw that it’s really not proportioned well that way either. Nice chairs like I had in mind wouldn’t fit.

The other day, when I was working from home, I moved a vanity table into the nook area so I could work from home on Thanksgiving. I’m thinking that I really like the spot for an office area. There’s enough room for a desk, a chair, the dog’s bed, and, if I’m super clever with space, I can get a shelf for my printer.

The up shot is that I can have the space I was going to use for an office as a yoga/meditation/sitting area. It’s nicer there anyhow because it won’t see a ton of traffic, so I won’t have to contend with a bunch of energies.

I feel like I’m in a place where I’m assimilating wisdom. That feels nice. I’ve been happy with the reading I’ve selected for myself. I have a knack for finding good information when I need it the most. If you’re in desperate need of some new perspectives, let me recommend “Everything is F*cked: A Book About Hope” by Mark Manson and “Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender” by David R Hawkins. Both are exactly what I needed.

Manson, in my mind, can do no wrong. He writes thoughtful wisdom and speaks to the current mindset, and most importantly, he makes me laugh at some of his colloquialisms, for example: “snorting cocaine out of a hooker’s ass crack.” I’d read anything he felt the need to put out there.

Another Hawkins book I’ve read and gained a TON from is “Dissolving the Ego, Realising The Self.” His writing is very reminiscent of Eckhart Tolle, and, after much internal struggle, I am a big Tolle fan, though I have had to stop buying his merchandise.

“The Power of Now,” and “A New Earth” were phenomenal and life-changing for me, so it makes perfect sense that it’s a worthwhile thing to maybe buy one of the recorded retreats they sell on Audibles. The first few of them are interesting, but then you realize that he never really says anything different. Hawkins is a nice re-phrasing of the principles I learned from Tolle. I like to hear concepts told in different ways. It helps me to solidify them, and I enjoy hearing “real life” examples of the principles being taught. While there is immense value in what Tolle has to say, and while it’s easy to follow and comprehend, there is a serious lack in supporting information.

So… this is where I’m at in the cosmos. I hope you are all well and good. Have a great week!