I’ve really dropped the ball on my writing course with the Daily Om writing prompts. Instead of bemoaning that, I choose to pick up the proverbial ball and try to do better.
Lesson 3 discusses what we feel is “missing” from our lives. One question, in particular, grabbed me.
“Is there something you had in the past that you wish you still have?”
The short answer, for me, is “no.”
It took me a very long time to be able to say “no” without bitterness, hurt, or anger being attached to the “no”. See… I’ve had many people for whom I’ve held great fondness and deep love, who are no longer a part of my life. I’ve had many cherished “things” in my life that I no longer possess. I’ve lived in places I absolutely loved, but those places were so special because of the circumstances that took me there and the active things that were done to make them wonderful.
My favorite place was my apartment in Highland Square, a neighborhood in Akron, Ohio. I loved that apartment. It was the first place I got entirely on my own, the first place where I was not cohabitating with a significant other, and the first place that was all mine. I was proud of that.
I loved the feeling of going out, doing the damn thing, and settling in all on my own (with the assistance of the world’s most amazing moving crew). I learned some very important life lessons there, I loved the group of friends I shared time with there, I loved my job, and I loved the social life I had. I felt open, present, and free. There was a great deal of amazing energy gathered there, and I walked away from it all for love.
I guess that kind of paints a negative picture… that I ditched all those things I loved so much for “love.” Being a pagan/witch, what was most important to me was the massive core of energy I had built there. All of that energy came from loving acts and the process of improving myself. When I left that apartment, I still had the friends I adored, the job I loved, and an active social life. Don’t read me wrong. I did not leave to go live in a cloister. I had wonderful times in the new places. This one is just special to me because of who I became as a result of having been there.
That was the very first time in my life that I realized how life, energy, and the universe works. The first time I truly got it.
I ended up moving out to the sticks with my ex. I was happy there for a long time. Until I wasn’t.
And now, here I am in Cleveland, Ohio. I really don’t enjoy where I live. I hate the neighborhood and the general lack of regard that people have for others up here.
That being said… I can’t bring myself to say that I’m “unhappy” here.
There’s a difference between being dissatisfied with one’s surroundings and being “unhappy.”
It is in all the transitions I’ve made during the course of my life that I learned about “destination happiness,” or the notion that a “different” person, place, or circumstance is going to “make” you happy. That simply isn’t the case. To quote the old lady in that commercial, “that’s not how any of this works.”
I struggle. Sometimes, I still cry, but those tears are over grief for what I thought I had and not because I want it back. Tears cleanse the soul, if you allow them to. When that cleansing happens, you find gratitude for the lessons that the universe brings. I also believe 200% that the universe will never bring you unhealthy lessons. You must, however, actively participate in your healing. Even when that activity is sitting down for a day, a month, a year to just wallow, catch your breath, and start over. The lessons?
I was going to make a list of things, but I feel like they all route back to that simple statement of loving yourself. I am, however, talking about the kind of love that is not bred of ego. It’s important to make that distinction.
So, back to the original question… “Is there something you had in the past that you wish you still have?
If I still had those things, I wouldn’t be here. “here” in the figurative sense. And, guess what? I am finally starting to realize how much I like me.
Love? That’s easy. It’s the liking that is the challenge.