Posted on by Dissy

Watch Your Language

Hey! Where the fuck have I been??

Oh… Doesn’t my title say “watch your language?”

Well, that’s not quite what I mean, though, it can’t hurt to clean it up a smidge.

So how have you all been? Me? I’m fairly decent and on the cusp of insanely awesome.

I’ve been doing a lot of inner work, and I’ve come to share some thoughts on that.

Wow… I really should have considered getting up from my yoga practice about 10 minutes ago and coming right in here to sit down and record all the brilliant ideas that I had regarding what I was going to say. Alas, I did not, so let’s just “alphabet soup” our way along and see what happens.

I have tried a great many things the past 15 years to recreate myself into … well … my self. My true self. The spirit within.

One thing I’ve found in the “wellness” community is that everyone wants you to subscribe to their way of learning, healing, and growing. Why? Because they will get money (probably lots of it) for whatever it is that they’re selling.

Look, I get it. Your “thing” may have helped you greatly, and you may want to share that with the whole entire universe, and we all have bills to pay. Another sad reality is that people don’t generally trust what they don’t have to pay for in some capacity or other. Generally, though, the end result of all that is that a lot of people may be helped, but the reality is that they may only be helped for a little while. The problem starts all over again, and what do the modality sellers do? They start with the infernal babble:

“you aren’t doing it enough.”

“you aren’t doing it correctly.”

“here… buy more sessions, buy this other book, come to this ridiculously expensive weekend event“

And thost things may all help again. For a while. Until it doesn’t and you’re left again feeling like a failure because we are all comparing our real-life experiences to the highlight reels portrayed in infomercials, advertisements and, let’s be honest, social media.

A couple things about all this:

  1. Self improvement, growth, wisdom, and change are very much like a 12 step program. My alcoholic ex taught me all about AA and how important it is to “work your program.” What does this mean? It means that, once you see the need to change, once you accept that this has to happen, you show up each and every day, and you follow through. Once we initiate, we no longer have the luxury of saying “I don’t feel like it.” We get up, we go, and we do. 100% of the time, we fail because we falter.
  2. One modality of change may work to jump start you. It may not work for you every day for the rest of your entire life. Over the course of our lifetimes, we are many different kinds of beings, and, unless you’re dead (figuratively or literally), you rarely wake up the same person twice. What does this mean? You have to be open to learning and growing in more than one way. Don’t be afraid to revisit something you may have previously discarded as “bullshit.” When Oprah made Eckhart Tolle famous, I ran right out and bought a copy of “A New Earth.” I read the first couple of chapters and promptly threw it in a bookshelf and dismissed it as garbage. Years later, the aforementioned ex pulled it off my shelf and was reading it. I asked about it, and he told me that he learned about Eckhart a while back and loved his wisdom. We then had this conversation about becoming the observer of our thoughts. I tried it, and it made me incredibly uncomfortable, so I chucked it in the bucket again. Finally, after diving into Hermetic philosophy, I read something about ego that reminded me of the part of “A New Earth” that I did enjoy. Instead of running straight back to that book, I opted for “The Power of Now,” and it’s amazing the paradigm shift I experienced. Why? Because I was ready to hear it, and I was ready to accept the ways it applied to me.
  3. Focus on what words work for you. For example… I hate guided meditations where people tell me to “picture” something. I can never see the moonlit, primrose lined pathway they want me to walk along. I can never smell the lilacs they insist are present. I can, however, feel. I can feel that cool air on my face, or I can feel myself walking into that vast, warm ocean. Work with what resonates, and don’t beat yourself up for not being able to connect with what doesn’t resonate with you. You don’t have to be ashamed or feel like a loser because you’re not a visual person. You may be a sensory person. Maybe you are better with hearing. And since most of this paragraph has to do with meditating, let me just add… like most other things in life, meditation is a skill that must be practiced and built. No one out there has a mind-blowing, wonderful experience each and every time they sit down to meditate. If someone tells you they do, they are posturing.
  4. If you can only embrace one thing today, embrace this: your journey is your journey. Stop comparing yourself to the highlight reels.

At the end of the day, everything I have tried has helped me to get to the next stage. Now that I know there’s no one correct way to do this life thing, I am finally starting to believe that there is no stopping me. As long as I watch my lauguage (work with what resonates), and as long as I work my program.

Posted on by Dissy

Self Care for the Incredibly Lazy

Howdy, peeps!

When last we spoke, I spoke of setting the bar a little higher than shitting on the toilet instead of on the floor. I am happy to report that, since then, I have not shit on the floor. Nope. Not even once.

I really should have been back before now to talk more about this, but… well… I haven’t been. Mostly because I have a mile wide lazy streak running through my soul. I’m trying to work on this, and some days are better than others. Let me fill you in on my bare minimum list of essential to-do items that do help. Maybe some of it will inspire you.

  1. Change your underwear. Even if you don’t shower. Bacteria accumulates in your panties, and a nice fresh pair will help keep the stench down. Also? It just feels nice.
  2. By that same token, put on a fresh pair of pants. Whatever hits your panties will, nine out of ten times, make it to your pants. Or… hell… if you’re in for the day, pants aren’t even required.
  3. Put on some deodorant. I promise you that lack of stench helps.
  4. Brush your teeth. If you can only manage one item on this list, make it this one. Trust and believe you will feel worse when you see the damage caused by not taking care of your chompers.
  5. Brush your hair.
  6. Try to get yourself a little fresh air and sunshine.
  7. Do not, under any circumstances, shit on the floor.

Once these items are accomplished, one of two things will happen. You will either be carried by the momentum they generate and you will engage in other productive activities or, alternatively, you still won’t feel it. In that case, provided you don’t have to go to work, park your ass on the couch and do something to grow your mind. Read a book or watch a documentary.

Hey, regardless of what our friends say, it’s helpful to know about serial killers.

My though process is that learning something new or adding to something you already know is productive.

Also, try to avoid social media. Social media only makes people in a certain frame of mind feel bad about themselves or angry at people they normally enjoy. Why do that to yourself? You deserve better.

Oh, and, hey, remember to congratulate yourself because you did some of the things, and you have the added bonus of not having shit on the floor.

Posted on by Dissy

stahp that…

Wow… I haven’t been here in a while. The “write” option looks kind of different. I’m not sure I enjoy it. How am I going to know where/when/how to do stuff? AND WHERE ARE MY OPTIONS TO ADD PICTURES???

Anyhow, I’ve been thinking a lot, here lately, about human nature. I’ve been thinking about this need we all seem to have to placate others, and we seem to want to do so with as little effort expended as possible. Me? I think we should be doing better.

Last weekend, my friend came over, and we drank a lovely magic mushroom tea. After all the intense “visions” phase passed, we sat in my living room, he, in my chair, I, on my couch, and we had the deepest conversations about life and humanity that I have ever had. We talked about personal accountability and how no one ever knows what that means on its most genuine level.

I feel that the act of placation does more harm than good. This need we have to band-aid the thoughts/feelings/experiences of others does nothing to help them serve their greater good. This whole “look at it another way” mentality is a real disservice to our communities as a whole. It really does nothing to contribute to the growth and evolution of the human spirit.

Our roles, as human beings, are to learn how to successfully navigate humanity, and if we’re constantly buying into the notion that we are heroic simply because we managed to shit in the toilet instead of on the floor, how are we growing? There has been indoor plumbing for years, and I think we need to set the bar a little higher.

Absolutely, the topic of mental health comes into play. I don’t like to ignore that fact because I struggle with depression myself, and I can’t even imagine having to deal with something worse than that. Life is a whole lot more complicated than the need for humanity to have a paradigm shift. It absolutely is. That’s why I believe in reincarnation. I absolutely do not believe that there is one soul that is not capable of “getting there,” wherever “there” may be. If you can’t/don’t get it this time around, maybe next time will go better for you.

I don’t say any of this from a throne of ultimate wisdom. I say it as one of you, no, I say it as one of us. I say it as someone who, some days, can barely get out of bed. Some days, I have to remind myself to remember to breathe. Some days, I can take on the world, too, though. Some days, I have the whole goddamn universe in my pocket. It’s important to remember that and not only talk about the things that bring you down.

So think about this for a while and get back to me. I’ll be back to talk more with you.

Posted on by Dissy

It’s Been a While

I haven’t checked in here in quite some time.

There’s actually quite a bit going on with me.

Well, let’s start with the old lady stuff. Dear old Auntie, who has shown up with the regularity of the full moon, was 8 days late this month. Since I knew there was, without a doubt, no way that I was expecting any bundles of pure and utter dismay, I got all excited thinking, “this is it! it has begun!”

But noooooo… she arrived along with the shitty disposition, debilitating cramps, and all that other jazz that makes her visits oh-so-special.

All that aside, I have been feeling kind of blah. I haven’t really wanted to talk about it because, in our current circumstances, people seem to want to blame every case of ick on COVID. Unless I’m massively fooling myself, none of my internal bullshit has anything to do with the ‘rona, so it’s rather demeaning to have my issues relegated to some current event that isn’t really affecting me. Masks don’t bother me. I mean, sure, I’d rather not, but we need to, so I do. Anti-maskers don’t really bother me. I don’t put myself through the emotional trauma of thinking “if you don’t mask up, then you don’t care about me.” To me, that’s bullshit. But that’s a topic for another day. My one and only point here is that the ‘rona isn’t really impacting my life, so why would it be the cause of my funk, and why are people so quick to slap that label on me?

So, there’s something I’ve been thinking about doing for a very long time.

In times of darkness and sadness, I’ve always gone back to my yoga practice. It brings me peace, it helps me ground and center, and it helps me stay present. I’ve thought for years about training to teach yoga, but I never really had the money, and my work schedule was never in line with me being able to do the in-person classes.

One benefit to the ‘rona…

A lot of learning opportunities have been forced to go online, which, gasp, brings prices down. They’ve also become “learn at your own pace” opportunities. Jackpot.

So, there ya go. I’ve begun classes so that I can become a yoga teacher. Why not help myself deepen my understanding of yoga and of my practice and help others find the same things I’ve been given by the awesomeness that is yoga? Nothing but win there.

So… that’s what’s up with me. I may need guinea pig students some time soon. Stay tuned.

Posted on by Dissy

State of The Dissy

I’m finding it difficult to share these days. I seem to have fallen back into the headspace of, “no one gives a shit.” It’s not really in a “bad” way, though. It’s more like something I can’t quite describe.

I’m down to 1 twenty-five mg tablet of Effexor per day. I quit taking the Clonidine with it, as it was making me tired.

All in all, I’m feeling like a reasonably competent human being. Every day isn’t perfect, but I feel like I can successfully navigate through what comes my way.

At first, I thought I may want to stop drinking during my weaning off period. I felt, a couple weeks ago, like I was getting a little irrationally angry, but I’m thinking that may have been more PMS related than anything else. I had my once-a-week vodka drink last night, and I was just fine.

Without the Clonidine, the feelings of vertigo are a little more frequent, but they’re nothing that isn’t manageable.

I’m still seeing the shrink. I’m trying to decide if she feels too basic for me or if I’m just looking for an excuse to not engage. I’ve been known to do that from time to time (meaning, every other damn time I’ve spent any time with a mental health professional).

She is heavily encouraging me to look for a new job. The one I currently have is not contributing anything meaningful to my life, and, in fact, it makes me pretty irritated every time I’m here. It’s also made worse by the fact that I can’t exactly cover my bills and enjoy my life on my current salary. I guess we will see what we will see. She seems to have a lot of faith in my intelligence and my ability to do better for myself. Me? I’m fraught with impostor syndrome.

My sista and I have been hitting up a yoga class twice per week. We’ve been doing a yin yoga class and a vinyasa flow class. I’ve done yin before, and I suppose this class is ok. Personally, I think, in order to get the desired result, longer than an hour is needed. But, it’s something fun to do with Barb. Maybe, one day, we can do some work with the dvds I have. You know, after I have space in my house.

So, that’s about all that’s new in my world.

Posted on by Dissy

At Least the Stormtroopers Aren’t Coming to Get Me… yet.

Once, a long time ago, I told one of my “doctors” that Prozac was not helping me. For some reason, he decided to try me on some hard core crap. I can’t even remember the name of it, but that medication taught me all about side-effects. I guess some folks out there may have found them amusing. Me? not so much.

One evening, probably about 30 minutes after taking my medication, I left work. After stopping at the local shopping center (shit, are they even called that anymore?), I went about my drive home. I drove under a bridge and came to a stop at a traffic light. As I waited to turn left onto the expressway, I looked into my rear-view mirror.

I shit you not…

I saw a fucking Stormtrooper walking toward me, all business-like with his gun drawn. I mean, not that he’d have hit me or anything… But still… fuh-reeeeeeaky.

This is not The Dissy you are looking for.

I squeezed my eyes shut, shook my head, and looked again. As luck would have it, it was just a dude on a white crotch-rocket wearing a white jacket and a white helmet.

Fast forward to current times and current events…

When I advised my doctor (different from the doctor mentioned above) that I wanted to discontinue the Effexor, she told me she was going to prescribe something called Clonidine to help with side-effects.

Now, when I am prescribed a medication I’ve never heard of before, I go out of my way to dig up ALL the information I can find about it. You know… because I want to know if my arm hair is going to fall out, or if I’m going to grow some testicles from my belly button.

Luckily, the information only said they may cause some hallucinations.

I kind of thought that was bullshit until the other night.

I keep seeing movement around me. Shadowy figures and images. Usually, it’s just the screen door blowing in the breeze or the clock changing time, but for that minute, there is something in the room with me.

That aside, my mood has been excellent. I’m not going to lie and say I’ve been joyous one hundred percent of the time, but I’ve been able to cope successfully with things like anger, loneliness, sadness, and happiness.

I am, once again, experiencing pure, genuine laughter, and, thanks to a bit of flirtation, I am starting to notice other feelings returning. (“hello, lady parts, how you doin’?)

Everybody Loves Joey.

But… that’s where I am right now. Jumping at shadows and gladly interacting with myself again.

Posted on by Dissy

On a Partly Sunny Day

“I’ve always known that the mirror never lies…”

I haven’t checked in for a few days. Part of me feels like I really haven’t had anything new to add. Part of me feels like I’ve dropped the ball.

I had my third visit with the new therapist. I’m sort of feeling like she is throwing basic shit at me. Shit that may not occur to someone who hasn’t made it a life’s pursuit of understanding what’s going on in his or her noggin.

But, we will play the game her way for now.

This week, I’m supposed to observe my inner dialogue and see what kind of themes I come up with. Ummm… derr…

I’m very judgy about some things, mostly toward myself.
I’m surprisingly non-judgy about some things most people judge harshly.
A lot of time I’m singing to myself, mostly songs I made up for my dog.
And I’m not the most forgiving person anyone will ever meet. Particularly toward myself.

Weaning off the Effexor is still going okay. Nothing horrible has happened. I haven’t shanked anyone. I still feel mostly tired. I’ve had challenges to my decision. Things have come up that may push me back into a funk or make me unreasonably angry. I feel like I responded at an appropriate level, and the most fun thing happened.

I realized I didn’t even really give a whole lot of fucks about it.

I’m thinking a lot of good will come of this.

I went to dinner with Tama and Mary last night. They took me out for my birthday. I really miss seeing them both regularly and spending regular time with them. I need to figure out how to correct that.

I have a lot of ideas and plans brewing, and I’m feeling very optimistic about the ways life is shaping up.

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Today

Every night, before I go to bed, I do a guided meditation with Kim Eng. I have a series on Audibles called “Meditations for a New Earth.” I really enjoy all of the meditations, and I absolutely love her soothing voice. I love that they aren’t super-complicated meditations that ask you to visualize some complex journey/time/place/entities. It’s all very straight-forward. So allow me to recommend this to you. She does also have Yin Yoga and Chi Flow Yoga dvds. Those can be gotten through eckharttolle.com, though, I did find mine on Amazon for slightly less.

As this weaning off of Effexor project progresses, I’m finding a lot of differences in myself that are hard to put into words. Today, the worst thing is that I feel tired. I think it’s an effect from the Clonidine. As for my moods… they’ve been fairly stable. There’s a small part of me that is worried this won’t last, but I am able to successfully not allow that nagging little anxiety take control and ruin my day.

I keep trying to make it to a yoga class, but I haven’t yet. I’ve been putting in some overtime at work, and I also took Daisy-Lou toy shopping this morning before I came to work. She needs a new supply every couple of weeks or so. She flat-out destroys her toys. One day, I’m just going to shut up and get her a Bark Box subscription.

The bouts of mild vertigo haven’t happened today, which is a good thing. Not that they were so troublesome.

That’s really about it for now.

I’ll check in tomorrow when I’m more alert and awake. haha. Hallelujah… it’s almost time to go home and sleep.

Posted on by Dissy · 2 Comments

Wait What??

Right now, I just really wish I had some chocolate pudding. Jello brand, sugar free, and with the layer of vanilla in the middle.

The other day, I saw an offer someone was extending. For a nominal fee, the person in question will re-blog your blog. What the actual FUCK? I am not down with this in any way, shape, or form. I think it’s one of the purest forms of bullshit I have ever heard of.

“here’s my money, now re-blog my bullshit writing and ideas…”
OR
“I don’t have any money, so please skip over my well-written, thought-provoking blogs.”

Is this the state of blogging these days? The very thought kind of makes me want to barf.

Actually, it really makes me miss MySpace. I had a wonderful blog there. I had a huge following, and when I was shared, it was because people liked, admired, or respected what I had to say or because I had amused them, and the same applied when I shared someone else’s material.

Enough of that…

Day three of weaning off Effexor:

I feel like I’m sleeping a little better, and, emotionally, I feel pretty steady. I’d say “good,” but I feel a little flat. I’m still not falling into any pockets of despair, and I can bring myself “up,” but I sort of feel kind of dull. Maybe it’s because I had to be to work at 10 for a few hours of overtime.

Physically, I feel okay. I do get a dizzy spell here and there, and I get the brain jolts on occasion. I thought the vertigo was going to be more of a factor, as I got a pretty good case of that yesterday. It’s very mild today.

The nurse practitioner I was seeing (who initially prescribed the Effexor) said I was having a hard time sleeping because Effexor is partially a norepinephrine re-uptake inhibitor, which means it will increase adrenaline in your system. It’s a sizeable difference I’m feeling with cutting the dose by so much. I’m sure it’ll continue to improve. I think that’s why I’m sleeping better, and I think it’s decreasing my anxiety.

I need to focus on finding natural ways to increase my energy. I need to get back into an exercise routine, and I need to make sure to eat well. Hopefully, the therapist and I can work out why I seem so neglectful of myself.

Today, I would continue to call this experience good. The telling times will be in about 5-10 days when PMS kicks in. muaaaahahahahahahaaaaa…

Posted on by Dissy

Boom Boom Boom

She said she thinks I’m a firecracker. If she only knew. I’m talking about my shrink, of course.

This was after she asked me what I wanted to do with my life and I communicated it quite clearly. Sure, lady, I have an idea and zero clues how to make it happen.

This clinic works on a 45 minute hour, and I suppose it would feel more helpful if I went more than once every two weeks. I do really like her, though.

This time, I was a little more down than I was last time. I guess I’m trying to decide if I’m doing that thing I always do… Usually, I act like I’m in better shape than I actually am so the therapist ends up wondering why I’m even there. It was my brilliant idea to go there, so why would I want to talk myself out of needing help?

I feel like this is going to be a slow process for a while. That’s okay, I suppose. I have time.

Later in the evening, I went to dinner with a friend. It’s amazing I even made it out of the house. This was supposed to happen last week, but my dog was sick, so I wanted to keep close to her in case I needed to take her to the emergency vet. I feel like I might have found another excuse to reschedule just because I’m so out of the loop and out of practice with the whole “going out” process that the thought of socializing gives me anxiety. Add to the mix that this isn’t a friend I see very often, and it’s the first time we’ve hung out without the rest of our mutual friends being there, and there’s a recipe for me to sit there looking like a deer in headlights.

Let’s just say I’m a teensy bit of an awkward person. Well… I guess that’s what pina coladas are for. It does make one wonder, though, when and why this shit started happening. I’ve never been a particularly awkward person before. I’m not the best with small talk, but, hey, I probably wouldn’t be hanging out with this friend if I felt like that was an expectation.

“Let’s talk about the weather.”
“Let me choke you with this bowl of tortilla chips.”

I have a few friends coming over on Tuesday for my birthday. That felt like the right thing to do. I think I might make a cake, too. I want a damn cake, and I don’t want anyone to go buy me one because, unless it’s NY style cheesecake from Giant Eagle, it will be wrong, and I rang in my birthday last year with cheesecake, and, while it was wonderful, I really just want some regular, normal cake.

So, I’m basically just rambling on now trying to take up time at work. It’s slow here. I’d better stop rambling, though. Along with small talk, that’s another thing I’m not especially fond of.

Til we meet again.