When I was a teenager, I started working on the art of tact.
See, I grew up surrounded by people who had no filter, and I started seeing that trait in myself. It didn’t make me happy to make people upset because I handed out a poorly-delivered, crudely-delivered “truth”. It didn’t make me happy to have my friends mad at me.
Still? I didn’t like to lie. So, wasn’t there some way to tell someone something without delivering said information in a hurtful way? There had to be, so I worked on it. I worked hard at it, and, by and large, I became pretty successful at it.
Personally, I saw that as growth and maturity. Those who chose to not see it my way saw it as being a phony, fake, or false.
But, when you grow and mature and become something more positive in the long run, that better version of you is what you have become. It is who you are. It is your authentic self.
I struggle with authenticity in my blogging/writing. I’ve been really down a lot here lately, and I either just skip writing or I write something devoid of authenticity.
Right now, I am choosing to accept that this is just where I am right now.
I have a bunch of things around me that need attended to. They need done, and I am mentally in a place where I’m not doing any of it. It’s not that I can’t. It’s just that I’m not. I’m not sure why.
People talk of crippling depression. I wonder if it’s possible to have that on a functional level. I get up and go to work. I try to do a good job. I feed myself. I take care of my dog.
I want to be happy with my surroundings. I want to embrace my new life. I want to create a new version of joy. Somehow.
What amuses me is that I do know the answer. “You just do it.” Yes. Yes you do. But damn…